Wednesday, January 11, 2017

I can't sleep, I miss my dog

  I couldn't bring myself to post this on Suzy's page but last summer, around 5 pm on August,18 2016 we had to have Suzy euthanized. I know in my head and my heart that it was the right thing to do. Her kidneys were failing and she was suffering. She dropped from an overweight 55 pounds to a frail and weak 38 pounds. She sometimes needed help walking on the slippery kitchen floor.

  But I still feel like I personally failed her. She might have held on longer with aggressive IV fluid therapy several times a week. But we just couldn't afford it. She was very aware of what was going on with her health and was not declining mentally. Just the week before she was "complaining" about a piece of furniture that had been left in what she thought was a dangerous position. She mimed pushing on it with her head like a goat and then she jumped back like she was afraid it would fall on her. Her way of saying, "hey, this doesn't belong here, its not safe. If I push on it like this, it could fall on me and hurt me!" And when I told her not to push on it she snorted and turned her head away, "That's not the point, it doesn't belong here!" So I got the guys to move it so it looked stable. 

  She hadn't eaten since she had about a quarter cup of chicken and rice soup on Monday night. But on her last morning she was asking for one of every one of her treats. It broke my heart to watch her put her nose on them one at a time, then she touched her favorites with her tongue. Like she new she'd never taste them again. I had taken the day off to be with her. Adrian and Randy, now grown young men were with me too and we sat with her on the kitchen floor. I finally told her we knew she was dying, and she sighed with relief and relaxed. We held her and told her we loved her. We told some of her favorite stories. 

  When it was time to go to the vets office I carried her to the Subaru, she was to weak to walk. We drove around the neighborhood and she had so much fun riding in the car with the entire family. Adrian took pictures of her. When we go the vets, they have a flat parking lot so she walked up to the door. But they have smoked glass doors so when she got there she saw her reflection and she stood there looking at herself for such a long time. Four or five minutes. I even went inside and checked her in while the boys stayed outside with her. She clearly knew it was the last time she would see herself. This was not a normal behavior for her, usually she'd check herself really fast to admire her spots and her white tail then go inside ASAP to see all the other dogs and even cats. But this time she had no interest at all in the other dogs in the waiting room. I can't finish this. It was all over so quickly. She is not in pain. 

  I think, if there is reincarnation that whatever unfinished business Suzy's soul had she fulfilled it in this lifetime. I knew that where ever she is she is whole, complete and content. Suzy can never be replaced. She will live in our hearts and memories as long as we live.